Thoughts On the Final Day of My 30’s

Tomorrow is my 40th birthday.

I was born nearly five months premature and via an emergency C-section after my mother slipped on a patch of ice and ruptured her uterus during the fall. I weighed 2.5 lbs and had collapsed lungs. They weren’t fully formed yet, and the uterus rupture in addition to other factors, collapsed them. I also developed pneumonia in the first few days after my birth, despite being in an incubator.

I spent the first mont of my life in a NICU. When I finally was able to go home with my mom, the doctors told her to be ready for any eventuality. They also mentioned that there was a good chance that if I lived past the age of 10 (and they weren’t confident in that, according to my grandma), I’d likely have learning disabilities and would develop much more slowly than other kids my age.

That’s a strange thing to think about now, on the eve of turning 40 — not living to the age of 10. I am extremely fortunate in that regard. I’ve defied the odds, even though life and learning have not been overly easy. I have ADD and OCD, have dealt with major depression and anxiety since the age of 15, and have a feeling (based on online tools and tests) that I may be on the autism spectrum. But anyway, this post isn’t about all of that, I suppose.

Over the years, I wondered if I’d see 25. Then 30. And here we are, fast-approaching 40, which is something to behold — for a variety of reasons, most of which are mentioned above. When you factor in two failed suicide attempts, the fact that I’m still here is truly something to behold. 

I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life, but it’ll be interesting to see what happens in my 40th year. Aging is an interesting evolution — sometimes good, sometimes not — but I’ve generally been enjoying it, I think. It’s been a true joy to watch all of my nieces and nephews grow into great kids. I’ve enjoyed watching my brother live his dream in the U.S. Navy, even if he doesn’t talk to me much. I’ve stayed close with all of my siblings, and that’s a real thing to have as you get older. Most of all, it’s been nice to make new friends — even if they’re online — and find people I truly enjoy the company of. All things considered, the good outweighs the bad despite gestures at the world.

Anyway, here’s to another trip around the sun, I guess. Or, here’s to it a day from now.